If you peruse the articles we post on our values you will come across the concept of joy. Joy isn’t really a value and we do acknowledge that in the article. But joy is a reflection of living our values, and we would argue that finding it as parents is critical to our children’s success in life. There are a number of things you can do to be joyful yourself as well as teaching your children to be the same way.
Chief among the sources of joy are positive relationships. Ensuring that you are involved in and contributing to nurturing relationships is a big factor in your own happiness. Beyond your marriage or partnership, this includes friends and family. We aren’t born to be good in relationships, so this is one that you get to both work on yourself as well as teach to your child. When you see your child in conflict with other children don’t just tell them to “stop it”. Instead, identify the source of conflict and help them identify a path toward a more positive outcome. This might include encouraging empathy, taking a moment to calm down, or even having them shift toward a location or activity that is less stressful.
Maintaining a realistic attitude about your own life on a daily basis is a great source of role modeling. You can’t realistically expect perfection of yourself, so don’t expect it from your child. Model for them that effort and perseverance are intrinsically rewarding as well as ultimately productive. Those who attend our klatches and regularly read this blog might say we sound like we are beating a dead horse here. Maybe we are. But the science is pretty clear on this one – praising effort in the face of hardship is far better than merely praising a child when they take the easy route on something. If you successfully run a marathon would you pat yourself on the back for going out and running a mile? Probably not. It isn’t productive if you do it for your child either.
Good habits are huge if you want to find joy. Montessori is big in this area and Greystone House in particular focuses on this. Beyond the values that we teach we also focus on self-care, respect for others around us, and building community. We do this not by pointing to a slogan on a wall, but rather by providing opportunities every day to build the habits that feed these positive behaviors. We set out nutritious meals with different food choices, we focus on proper hygiene habits, and we reinforce the value of others every day. At home you can ensure you aren’t placing too many distractions and temptations in your child’s path. You can also focus on helping them set realistic goals which can themselves become a daily habit to chase. For your part – evaluate your own habits and find the ones that are working well while discarding the habits and actions that aren’t.
As Montessorians we will attest that the environment is also key for happiness (the prepared environment is a core Montessori tenet). This goes for you as parents as well. Create uncluttered environments that facilitate clear choices for yourself and for your child. In a play room this might mean keeping toy choices to a minimum while keeping a stockpile of toy replacements out of sight. Change things out regularly when they aren’t looking. Creating an environment that presents opportunities for play is also a key part of building happiness. It shouldn’t be all business, all the time. Play is critical to well-being and unstructured play (as we have written about) is at the heart of positive development. Let loose and play on a regular basis. You don’t need a park or a mega-pricey play structure. Turns out barrel rolls and cartwheels in the yard can put a smile on the face of almost anyone.
Finally, happiness breeds happiness. We all get off track. Sometimes it might be biological, sometimes we get into ruts, and sometimes we can’t identify where things have gone off-track, but we know deep down that they have. If you are depressed or even just feeling like you can’t get to where you want to be – look for help. Your mood, outlook, words and actions rub off on your child. Find the things that are bringing you down and get to work on change. You can make your relationships more positive. If you hate your work, you can find something else to do. If you don’t have a hobby or activity that makes you smile, find one. Even though they might not see it clearly, taking action to be the happy person you want your child to be is one of the greatest gifts you can give.
As always, accept the fact that there will be setbacks and failures in life. As we have written about in prior articles, don’t let these inevitabilities crush you. If you know they are coming you can face them with a smile, secure in the knowledge that they are helping you and your child become better people. What could be more joyful than a better future?
