Parenting is hard. As much as we see and can support with evidence the effectiveness of our methods when it comes to both educating and working with the behavior of children in the age groups we support, we also know that adopting these methods consistently is difficult for parents. We are all passionate about our children and we also come to the table with biases, influences, and a lifetime of experiences that may have us convinced that trying different things is either unnecessary or doomed to fail. More importantly, at Greystone House we are paid to use the methods we use, have reinforcements built in from other staff who use them, and consistently see the outcomes which makes it easier for us to repeat behaviors. And, oh yes, we are already at work and can come home and take a break when we have had to work extra hard for a desired result. Our parents work 40 or more hours per week and then have to come home and magically enter parent mode immediately. Leaving the stress of the day behind is never simple.
All of this goes to say that while we actively encourage parents to adopt the techniques we suggest as well as simply adopt evidence-based parenting over popular parenting notions – we will never judge anyone harshly who is at least giving it their best. We held a parenting seminar this past weekend and saw a roomful of parents who are doing just that. Honestly, we are proud to have each one of them as parents in the school. Even coming to a group and sharing the frustrations and joys of parenting, let alone being open to new notions that can cause us to question how we are currently doing things is somewhat of a heroic act in today’s world. One message that hopefully comes out clearly in our klatches and seminars is that none of us is the only one that has sought help with parenting. It is kind of universal. In a world where work and sleep add up to more time weekly and annually than we get time with our children, what exactly are the things to prioritize as parents that will make the most difference long-term for our children?
Give your child the opportunity to practice decision making
Being an adult starts with the ability to make good decisions on your own. Like many other things in life, this is a skill that takes practice. Just as lifting weights develops our muscles, engaging in decision making improves our ability to make better choices over the course of our lives. The beautiful part is, prioritizing this doesn’t really require any extra time from you as a parent. Just give your child reasonable choices to select from and don’t expand the options when their answer to “Would you like turkey bacon or turkey sausage with your scrambled eggs?” is “No – I want cereal and chocolate milk”. You can also ask them why they chose to do a particular thing.
Unstructured play is truly life-altering
Give your child room to explore the world. If they can do so with other children outside of organized activities, and with only the rules of basic courtesy to guide them, they will benefit even more. Our social skills, value for the natural world, desire for free exploration, and ability to manage our own priorities become turbocharged from a development perspective when we are allowed to engage outside of structured institutional rules. This is a big value we provide at Greystone House – but your kids can use more unstructured time than just what they get here. The best part about prioritizing this item is you just need to be within earshot of your child and their friends. You can get other things done while they get to grow and explore.
Family time matters more than being in twenty different activities
Extracurricular activities may help children find interests, but they do not support much more in terms of critical developmental milestones and they certainly can’t give your child the sense of self-respect that comes from someone loving them enough to engage with them one on one. Find 10 minutes, twice a day, and spend them individually with each of your children. This doesn’t mean a trip to the zoo, a children’s museum, or heading out for junk food together. Cuddle up for a book outside of bedtime, play a quick game, join in a project they are working on, take a quick walk together, or whatever else comes to mind. Just commit to being present for them and them alone for that small slice of time. Yes – this one involves a real time commitment, but it matters.
Play the long-game by focusing on behaviors now
Curbing negative behaviors and reinforcing positive behaviors are tackled much more easily at the ages we teach than at any other time in life. We are creatures of habit in nearly every way and bad habits that start now can be monumentally more difficult to fix later. There are entire industries that thrive on convincing you they are the solution to your teenager’s behavior and even your own bad behaviors as an adult. If you see a behavior from your two-year-old that won’t be acceptable when they are fifteen – find the time, resources, and will to deal with it now. You will save time, energy, and heartache later.
Focus on food
The point of calling out these priorities is to emphasize some places to put your limited and valuable resources when you are just too tired to do 10 things all at once (which – if you are like us – is nearly all of the time). With that in mind, the single greatest thing you can do for your child, your society, and your pocketbook long-term is to teach good eating habits. This is of course the most difficult thing in our opinion. Everything food related in American society – from fad diets, to an overabundance of restaurants, to bad information about what constitutes healthy eating and safe foods, to notions that somehow bad food is a reward – seems to bring bad outcomes that can’t be ignored. Leading causes of death are tied to poor dietary habits. We live shorter lives compared to other countries of similar economic and political outlook. Our health care costs are exorbitant, and diet plays a big role in driving up the need for care. An active lifestyle (which we struggle with personally) is certainly a contributor as well – but it really starts with eating right. You can be “overweight” and healthy from a good diet. You can’t be diabetic or suffering from cardiovascular disease and live your ideal life. Commit the extra time daily to building good food habits. As a bonus, family mealtime means more family together time. And of course your child is apt to live a longer, healthier life.
There are certainly other things that pay dividends for your family and children long-term. Limiting this list to a handful was a major challenge to say the least. But limiting the list was the point. If time and energy were unlimited then this list could be as well. The items mentioned above are simply ways to stack the deck in your child’s favor and are items that we have covered in other blogs. Dig in and give them a read. We are here to help and are always willing to partner for better outcomes.
