Think back to childhood. Who did you look up to? Were there people in the media and entertainment that you looked up to and idolized? Sports stars? Actors? Pop singers? From a perspective of being worthwhile in your development, how did that work out? If you are like most people, it probably didn’t work out well. But what about the people who were physically present in your life. I don’t just mean your parents (though obviously they, like you, loomed large to their children). If you are like me, there were likely people around you that you wanted to emulate. Just as happens with media stars, this doesn’t always work out. But it does have a better chance of yielding a positive influence, and the good news is that as parents, you can have a huge influence on who it is your children choose to revere in their lives.
There are two people in my personal journey that I remain eternally grateful for their presence. The first was a good friend of my father’s. They worked together for years and happened to live close enough together where, starting in the early 1970s, our families interacted a lot. He was a few years my father’s senior. He was also a decorated World War II veteran and a world class storyteller. He came back from the European theater with his life intact which, having heard his stories, was no easy feat. The second person was a neighbor whose lawn I mowed during summers in the early 1980s. He was also a World War II veteran who found himself hurtling through the air, launched from his bunk, on the morning of December 7th, 1941. After spending years in the Pacific theater his involvement in the great war ended at Guadalcanal and he came home with part of his hearing intact. Like my Dad’s friend, he was a world class storyteller who was happy to sit on a patio with a glass of iced tea sharing tales with a couple of sweaty kids.
It would be easy to say that I treated these men as heros for their service and that is why they meant so much to me. There is no doubt that they were both examples of the excellence human beings are capable of when they give so greatly of themselves for the benefit of others. But as much as I admired what they had done and was always interested in hearing the stories they had brought home, it was a combination of two entirely separate things that has tied them to me for good.
– The first thing that bonded them to me was that they took an interest in me. They had kids of their own. They had work schedules to keep. They had lives to lead. Yet when I was around them they took an interest in a kid that apparently looked like they needed an interest taken.
– The second thing that bonded these men to me is a reflection of one of the values that we teach at Greystone House. They both exuded joy. Despite having seen the worst of humanity, despite having done things in war that they would otherwise never have considered, and despite in one case having left part of themselves far away in a strange land – they both were the very model of demonstrating the desire to welcome each day and the possibilities it may hold.
If our children choose personal influences based on who pays attention to them (and they do), the outcome is far from being a guaranteed positive. But there can be more than random chance at play and that is where we come in as parents. At some point in the late 1990s before my father passed we had a conversation about influences. To my surprise he mentioned that my mother and he had both actively encouraged his friend to engage with me and had actively reinforced with me that he was someone to be listened to and admired. I assume now that my desire to spend time with the Pearl Harbor veteran whose lawn I mowed was a reflection of the shared experience he had with my Dad’s friend. In a way, I had been set up. But as an adult, I could laugh and view it as a good thing. Ultimately it was a kindness, and one that I tried to repay by doing the same thing for my own children.
Ultimately, a child with a positive target to aim at has built in blinders to some negative distractions. As a parent, you can ensure your child has a positive external influence, and you can also be the equivalent of my Dad’s friend. Ask yourself who it is that you can put in front of your children. Ask yourself if you are someone who can be a role model and source of inspiration to a child that is not yours. Someday your child will laugh and thank you, and if you are lucky, another child will carry memories of you with them long after you are gone.
